“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”
Dr. Seuss

“'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
Alfred Lord Tennyson

I have been trying to write this entry for such a long time. It has been written and deleted too many times to count.

I have to write this. I started this site about my life in Thailand. I opened my life and that of my Thai family up for the whole world to read and comment on.

To be very frank, my partnership with Noot has ended. This happened a few months back and regular readers would probably have picked up things were not quite normal.

To the people cheering, laughing and ready to write comments, nothing you can say will hurt me. I have been to the darkest places the last few weeks, been through more pain and emotion than I thought I would ever feel.

Noot and I separated and I can still see the day she left, in my mind it is like it was yesterday. It still brings emotions, but after so many years to sit and feel nothing about someone you loved so much to me would not be normal.

Why did she leave? I am sure this is the question most are asking.

Over the years, Noot and I have had arguments, some small and ridiculous and others that take days for us to talk again. Noot was mostly a silent partner, hardly ever expressing her views or feelings, so most the times I spoke.

Many of those times I said things, that no person should say to a person they love. I also said a handful of times “Get out, go back and live in the village” in the heat of the moment. The last time I said this, she did!

At first, I thought give her some time, let things settle down and then we can talk. But after a few days and no correspondence, I went to visit her. I really knew on that visit that our relationship was over, but I didn’t want to accept it.

Another big reality check was when a truck came to pick up her things, this was a nail to the heart, but again I still believed we would be together when things cooled down.

They didn’t. Noot had had enough. She wanted to experience life, do things on her own. She finished school, went straight to university, graduated, then become a mother for her older sister by looking after our niece, the amazing Nong Ja.

She is now working in a hotel as a receptionist and free of being a surrogate mother. Ja now lives with her grandparents (her dad’s side) in Bangkok.

This was one of the big changes that sent me off the rails.

After Noot left, I would still look after Ja on weekends. So there was still some normality. When she went to Bangkok I was faced with being totally alone, in a house that was so full of life each evening, to a house that felt like a morgue.

I did what everyone warned me not to do. I drank. One binge had seen me so intoxicated that owner of a restaurant and bar (I know him well) drove me home in his car while one of the bar staff rode my motorbike. I cannot remember late that evening and the reason why was a bottle and a half of Sangson Rum, as well of many beers.

I was out of control, I ended up in hospital for 2 days. I ended up violently ill and at one stage thought I was going to die. I remember thinking “I couldn’t care less if I did” at that time. I felt I had nothing to live for. I had always said and thought I would never be such a person.

What pulled me out of all this was my love for Nong Ja, my parents and amazing friends. Once they knew what had happened they rallied around me and were bloody great.

There were still many rough days, dark times but things were better, a little every day. There are still days where I end in tears thinking about Ja, or times I spent with Noot.

I don’t have any hate or malice towards Noot. I will always have some love for Noot. I wished her well in her new journey of life and told her I hoped she was happy and successful and finds all she is looking for. And I mean that.

Noot and I were faithful to each other all those years, we just grew apart (terrible saying I know) and the love that we had, wasn’t there anymore.

I have been lucky and have met a new friend. She has been a pillar for me. She has an amazing attitude. I have known her for a long time. Not in a relationship way of course. I saw her at her work many times over the past year and used to say “hello” or give a smile but nothing more, until a few weeks back.

I will tell you now, no matter if this friendship, relationship last a few months, weeks, years or until death. I am not going to put one picture of her on the internet. I won’t share that side of my life ever again. She is a lot younger than me, but again that wouldn’t be hard as I am getting to be an old bastard. I won’t say her age but I thought she looked older than what she told me.

I remember when I finally had the courage to go into where she works and spoke to her. I was nervous as hell. I had no idea what she would say, or how she would reply. As she worked and I chatted to her I mentioned, that if she would ever like to go for a movie or dinner, then let me know. And as the saying goes “the rest is history”.

She took my number and called me that night and spoke for over an hour (she does not speak a word of English, not one), we have been courting, you could say. Dinner, movies and DVD and TV nights at my home.

I was very open with her straight away. I told her about Noot, Ja and everything else I could think of. I wanted to lay bare bones on the ground so there was no confusion. I wanted no skeletons in the closet.

She wanted to look through photo albums of my life spent with Noot. This felt weird to me but she asked many questions and asked me this, “Do you still love her?”

I was a little stunned. “I do love her, but not like I used to. I will always have some part of her in my heart,” I replied.

She replied, “I am happy you didn’t lie. If you said “no” you would be lying.”

If Noot walked back into this house tomorrow, I would not go back (I know this wouldn’t happen anyway). This is not because I have started a new journey in my life. It is because I now see that we would never be a true, happy couple.

Sitting and looking back it is funny. You see things so differently. I was blind to see why Noot wasn’t happy at times, and the list just went on. Why didn’t I see that before? Why did it take the end for me to see this?

I miss my niece Nong Ja, I miss her so much. It still makes me cry at times when I ring her and we chat. Some of the things she comes out with just crush me.

She is 660klms away, so when she says “come over and pick me up, can we go swimming or go to the park, and I love you and miss you so much” the tears do flow.

I have a dream that I can be part of Ja’s life, as she grows into a beautiful young girl and then woman. That is my dream. To be there and help her if I can anytime in her life. It is hard to detach after being like a father to her for her entire short life to date.

Where to for Isaan Style? I have no idea. There have been times I felt like writing but haven’t. The urge to still share Isaan, and Thailand is still there and share my personal life as well but in a much more sheltered way.

To all readers I don’t want comments of sympathy, I am not looking for that. I had to write this to be true. I could not just stop writing, take down Noot’s pictures and pretend nothing has happened or changed. That is not me.

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
Alexander Graham Bell

I lived like this. There are still times I feel myself glancing back at that closed door and have to tell myself to stop.

I am going to try and live the rest of my life, be it a few or many years with no regrets. Life is too short and time goes too fast.

If you love someone, tell them every day. Don’t just assume they know.

Brunty